Great... you've finally chosen to read the bio's. Good for you. We consider you to be one of the higher caliber people now... don't you just feel ever so special? Below, you will find the biographies of our current "NOT for KIDS!" personalities.

Hey... got an idea for a new segment and/or personality? Tell us about it here!

Ok... on with the bio's...

Dr. Ludwig Van Vlaaden, Host of our "A Science Minute" Segment

Dr. Ludwig Van Vlaaden was the first person to join our staff. His resume was quite impressive. A graduate from Harvard, he further studied science and medicine at Johns Hopkins, and then completed his pursuit overseas at Tokyo General, where he ended-up creating what's now called "triage". By this time, he had also published numerous papers, several that changed the course of medicine. A busy surgeon, he also volunteered six days a week, and he founded a ten-acre camp for orphan children in Utah. Among his many interests, science was the first. Having taken a radical departure only a few years ago, he accepted the job of running NASA and JPL and about five other high-tech companies at the same time. His goal was to remake the space program, and if it hadn't been for some untimely brush with death, he says he would have done just that. Now... that's what his resume said. We did some checking and discovered that he had, in fact, spent some time in a hospital. That was about the only fact we could confirm. Mind you, under a few, intense polygraph sessions, Van Vlaaden admitted the following: A Dutch immigrant, he came to North America with his parents, who immediately abandoned him and went into showbusiness. Carl & Jarla Van Vlaaden were the toast of whatever club they played, and poor little Ludwig was made to stay with his Uncle Gerta--a crossdresser by trade--until his parents came back to get him, which they never did. Ludwig ran away from home at the tender age of 32 and lived on the streets, until a kindly old man took him in and taught him science, math, geography and how to mop floors. It was the floor-mopping technique that earned Ludwig his first job as janitor at Fillmore High School, a job he has kept to date. Last year, he was given an honorary doctorate by Fillmore, because apparently they had one left over, and the faculty was ripping drunk when someone shouted, "Hey... let's give the janitor a doctorate!" According to witnesses, it sounded more like, "Heeeeegh... lathsga thujannn itraaaa dollcart!" Regardless, Ludwig has a passion for science, and after all, isn't that what really matters?

Cowboy Bob, Host of our "Darn Good Safety" Segment

Cowboy Bob, a.k.a. Rufus "Piledriver" Polk, joined our staff back in the early days, and basically wouldn't leave. A chip-truck driver from Arlington, Texas, Bob brings a certain talent for recognizing dangerous situations, as he's been involved in most of them. From electrocutions to axe wounds, Bob instructs children on how to avoid danger when handling sharp instruments or high-voltage batteries. Bob loves children, and admitted last Thursday that he thinks he might have a few of his own somewhere in Arlington and across North America. His commitment to teaching kids about basic safety is only second to finding the right mechanic for his used chip-truck. Bob makes his home in the cab of his truck, and can often be seen wheeling down the highways of North America. Bob always says, if you see his truck on the road, honk at him, but honk four times in rapid succession, otherwise he'll get pissed and try to run you off the road, figuring you're a communist or something. Bob's cab has an unmistakable logo on the sides, a three-headed sphynx wearing a red, velvet nightgown. Oh yes... it also says "Cowboy Bob's Fine World Famous Chips" underneath the picture. When he's not selling french fries in parking spaces across North America, he devotes some of his time to re-selling adult novelties for a handsome profit. Bob also sings, and often entertains at various prisons across the continent, which is handy as he does little bits of "time" here and there for re-selling adult novelties out of the back of an old chipwagon.

Gene Soleil, Host of our "Music Is For Kids" Segment

You might remember Gene Soleil from that obscure film "The Film" made in the early 80's. Then again, you might not, as it was never released publicly. After "The Film" and its unending lack of success, Gene learned to play the guitar and performed at numerous venues across North America, always outdoors. Gene's love of music grew as he played, and his talent for the instrument was there. After a few years of his unending lack of success in playing solo, Gene auditioned for the heavy metal band "GORGATHA", and was accepted as the new lead guitarist, lead vocalist and principal songwriter. He was eventually promoted to just rhythm guitar, and stayed with the band for 17 years. During his time with "GORGATHA", Gene became rapidly concerned that he was losing his hearing. He consulted with many specialists and took a battery of tests, and they all came back negative. Puzzled, Gene paid closer attention during band rehearsals and soon learned that the other band members had disconnected the internal speaker wires of Gene's amplifier. Angered by such disrespect, Gene quit the band and set fire to his house. After a long, painful recuperation from third-degree burns, Gene took it upon himself to write a book called, "I Should Have Set Fire To Their Houses Instead - The Gene Soleil Story". The book sold 8 copies, and was taken out of print two weeks after it had been published. Because the publisher went bankrupt shortly after, Gene managed to borrow money from his long-time once-best-friend, Alex Gyrene, and self-published his second book, "I Should Have Left The House When The Fire Started - The Sequel To The Gene Soleil Story". Gene took to the road and traveled, once again, across North America to promote the book, always outdoors. After being arrested one too many times, Gene gave up and headed for home, which was gone because he had burned it down that one time. So, he now works--and lives--at Pockley's Music & Used Guitars. Gene brings with him his sustained love for music, and his unique way of teaching.

Fran Papkin, Host of our "Arts 'N' Crafts" Segment

Fran Papkin is one of those rare birds that comes to you just when you thought you had already said, "I'm sorry but we don't need anyone else." She is a kind, gentle and somewhat fragile soul who enjoys arts and crafts more than anyone we know. Perhaps her decade spent at The Sunny Hills Positive Health Institute has something to do with it. Regardless, Fran is passionate about crafts, and brings with her experience, skill and most importantly... her own supplies. You couldn't ask for a better host! Seriously, she has everything from coloured pencils to custom-made ink stamps. Boy, did WE luck out! Anyhow, Fran didn't supply much of a history on her application, but she assures us that one day she will reveal more about herself, as she deals with it.

Vinnie Vendivicci, Host of our "Field Trip" Segment

Well, there's not a lot we can say about Vinnie. He asked us not to disclose certain information about him, which is easy because we know nothing about him. We CAN tell you that Vinnie produces these segments himself, from an undisclosed location. We assume, from watching these educational segments, that Vinnie must be an important businessman, and is one of these guys that just naturally commands a lot of respect. We hope to meet him one day, and thank him for not only taking us all out on a fascinating field trip, but leaving us all with a valuable lesson from each one. Keep those segments coming Vinnie, wherever you are!

Marty Schmanski, Host of our "Rights For Little Tots" Segment

We are so lucky to have Marty on our team. A part-time attorney and used car salesman, Marty brings with him a unique view on children's rights. Often outspoken and sometimes misunderstood, he nevertheless always gets to the heart of the matter, and usually in a moderate amount of time. Marty was born in the east side of Chicago, and was raised by his Aunt Helga, a city clerk and female wrestling champ. He learned a great deal at his Aunt Helga's side, usually on the mat as she often encouraged him to attend wrestling matches, so that he could learn the most important lesson in life... how to take a good looking fall. After spending more time in the ring than at school, Marty took it upon himself to study law on his own. He was introduced to a guy named Karl, who eventually directed Marty toward the Chicago School of Business. Once there, they directed Marty to the Michigan School of Business - Lavonia, where he was once more directed to the Paper Match Company of Muncie, Indiana. Arriving in Muncie, heartbroken and quite aromatic, Marty picked up a book of matches that was to become his key to success in law. He studied hard, sent in his exams, and four months later he received a certificate in animal medicine. He was quick to notice the mistake, and sent the certificate back, and roughly twelve days later, he had a framed lawyer's certificate in his hands. Unfortunately, that certificate stated that Marty could only practice law in India, but with a damned fine pen and steady hands, it was only a matter of two hours drying time before he was licenced to practice law in Indiana. After getting adept at using his pen on other documents, Marty was soon licenced to practice law anywhere in the US. After a long stint defending two-bit crooks in criminal court, Marty spent an even longer stint behind bars for forgery. While there, he studied law from actual books, and wrote real exams, and upon his release, he was a full-fledged litigator. This time, he would stay on the straight and narrow, and to do so meant taking another job at Forrester's Used Cars And Furniture back in Chicago. Marty is reportedly the top salesman on the team, and the neat thing is... when his customers come back to complain about how they got ripped-off, Marty offers his legal services, and in his words... "I win either way. That's the American Dream baby!"

Mavis Bleach, Host of our "Basic English" Segment

Mavis comes to us courtesy of the Gilmore School Girls Academy in Cambridge, Ontario where she was encouraged to pursue teaching elsewhere. Mavis has a style all her own, and some people think it should be left that way, but we think otherwise! We absolutely love Mavis. She has such a unique way with English, she's taught us all here things we never knew before, and most of us have finished high school. Mavis was born in Smathering, Ontario to a family of wealthy stamp collectors. At a young age, she was smitten with language, and had a keen understanding of the power of words. As she grew, so did other people, and at the tender age of 19, Mavis became a stripper and moved to Hamilton, Ontario to pursue a career at the Unlucky Beaver. After a few years of peeling for dollars, Mavis found herself teaching English to the busboys, who primarily spoke English and wore girls panties just for the fun of it. Mavis loved teaching so much that she quit the Beaver and moved to Cambridge, where she worked at Canadian Tire while attending teachers college. Mavis excelled at getting to school, and work on time. She always made great bus connections and even had time for coffee now and then. Her classmates remember her as "the girl most likely to sit next to me in class", and her former professor, Sir James Nedwell Newton-Palfington Jones was quoted as saying, "Mavis did attend my class, yes." Mavis got the teaching bug so bad, that she couldn't risk finishing teachers college to start work right away, which she did. The Gilmore Academy, in her words, was "the best three weeks of my life" and ignited a teaching flame in her heart. Mavis saw our ad in the local newspaper and answered it right away. We were so impressed, we hired her on the spot, and when we found out she could teach as well, we gave her her own segment!"